The Legend o' Wedge

By: Roger Dong

As you may already know, a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad Monster, Boredom, recently took up residence right in the middle of Northern Innernet . Boredom was conquered by a group of fearless heroes or "Fearoes" known only as Wedge. Below are comments from the "fearoes" themselves taken from interviews that never actually occurred.

Kyle the Invisible:
I was the first to run across Boredom. He didn't even see me and nearly sat on me, which would've been fine, but this monster was oppressive. The stench of Boredom was overpowering. What happened next would take hours to describe, so I spliced it down to three minutes and told the others.

Rob the Bearer of Bad News:
It was terrible.

Sean the Hesitant:
I have nothing against Monsters personally, and I don't really know much about fighting them, but it seems to me if we were going to do something about Boredom, it would have to happen quickly. I mean, soon. Now. Yesterday, or whatever. Posthaste. That too. I've got a ski mask.

Rob the Bearer of Bad News:
No question about it. Terrible.

Bethany the Bold:
I was the first to get a clear image of the beast in all its teeth-chattering glory. I softened it for the papers - what you saw is nowhere near to how horrific it really was - too horrific to show here. (Author's note: her rendering was too horrific to show here.) But, there was a weakness that could be manipulated. Overthrown, if you will.

Bob the Bag o' Tricks:
Well, there's no question I was called for my ability to make things from other things - horns, bells, whistles, hortles, whisorns, belles - the works. My first task was to find the source of The Monster's power. I determined The Monster's ennui derived from an ancient godhead known simply as "complete sensory deprivation due to lack of technological diversity resulting from constant, mindless scrolling and surfing." It's technical. I don't have time to explain it.

Val the Purveyor of Shelter:
Well, my years of researching porn led me to several conclusions - the beast could only be stopped with laughter, something more powerful than any Boredom. Could you edit that last apart about the porn, my research is not yet complete.

Rob the Bearer of Bad News:
Run. Run for your lives.

Adam the Unconnected:
Yeah, my grandma kicked me out the house, and don't think I'm not gonna kick her ass. But, that's the only reason I got involved anyway. You know, another thing led to one and here I am. I knew we would be successful - look at the statistics. Now if only I could get this whale song out of my head.

RL (Bob) the Planner (Bob):
I liked everyone else's ideas, but I think we went the right way. And we had to get on this stuff by the first of the year before that window closed. I mean, we could've been stuck with Boredom forever, instead of grabbing the brass ring while the tide was rolling in as opportunity knocked on the barn door that was opened, and we wouldn't want that. Unless you like Boredom. I mean, some people like Boredom, which, you know, we're not doing this for you. But, I think, for those people who don't like Boredom, absolutely wish Boredom didn't exist, well, then we're here for you. I can see the value in Boredom. I can. Do we really want a lifetime of Boredom?

Mike the Motivator:
Once we had conquered Boredom, I really felt like we should've done it again, but with less emphasis on conquering and more emphasis on reclaiming. This is part of our filmography, right? Filmography? Is that a word? Boredom doesn't belong here, that's for sure. And, with our help, you won't have to worry about Boredom ever again. Yep, filmography: a list of movies as of a given director or actor.

Rob the Bearer of Bad News:
We're out of cheese.

To be continued...